Hello, and also Goodbyes

Hey there, everyone. It’s been a while (eight months, really) since I last wrote a post. It feels kind of odd, getting back into this, but it also feels good.

I’m awful at journaling (is that a word? no? okay cool whatever) and an even worse blogger. Hopefully, I’ll be able to improve at least one of those things. Preferably blogging.

Now to get to the post. Why is it titled the way it is, you might ask?

There’s a story behind it.

Today was my last church service until November 19th. Why? Well, I’m going off to college.

“How exciting,” you might say. Yes, very exciting, but also bittersweet. I try to stay positive but my brain reverts to the thoughts of “this is your last [insert event/day] here.”

No, I tell myself, I’ll be back in a few months, everything will still be here.

But I cannot lose the bitter taste of dread in my mouth.

Sure, I’m going off to do bigger things. I’m going to get an education, for goodness’ sake! Why can’t I just be… happy?

I wish I could answer that question, but, unfortunately, I cannot. I can’t just flip a switch in my head and have all the bad thoughts go away, though there have been many, many times where I have wished that I could. The doubts, insecurities, and dread will still be there. They’ll always be there. It’s just a matter of whether or not I let them control me and ruin my last week here at home.

I stood in the row of chairs, between my sister and my best friend.

Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You’re the One that guides my heart

I started singing, just going through the motions like I usually do. It’s church, right?

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Words failed me. I couldn’t force myself to actually say the words out loud, so I just sat there and listened. Took it in.

Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

The words of that song just touched me in that moment and I didn’t feel dread, I didn’t feel fear, I didn’t feel apprehension. I felt loved and accepted and safe, knowing that wherever I go – wherever I go – God will be with me and I will never be alone.

Oh God, how I need You

How I need You.

How I need You.

After the service I had to say bye to all of the people I wouldn’t see in my last week here, and that was hard. Half the time I wanted to just burst out in tears because these people were my lifeline. I would be leaving everything I know and love to dive headfirst into the unknown.

But that invisible hand of God touched me again and said “hey, it’s okay, you’ll be fine,” and I remembered the words of that song and felt at peace again.

I won’t ever be alone.

Now, sitting at home with my best friend (we’re both just chilling, it’s pretty cool 😉 ), I’m thinking back on all the good memories I’ve made here at home in New York, and I can’t wait to make even more memories with new friends in Virginia.

Goodbyes are tough. But when you know they’re not forever, and you know you’ll never be alone, they don’t seem so bad in the end.

 

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